Regarding Freemasonry (Super Conspiracy Edition. Expanded!) Read online

  And just for the record, that’s the Anne Hathaway he married, not the actress.

  Although, I’m sure if we really put our minds together, we can cook up a whole new conspiracy theory that brings all of these wonderful elements into play. Perhaps during his alien abduction/time travel escapades, Leonard da Vinci picked up William Shakespeare and whisked him all the way to modern times where he found nubile Anne Hathaway slaving over a series of unproduced movie scripts. He stole the plots from the movies, and da Vinci stole the space age technology that appeared in them. Each of them went back to their separate times and carried on like they’d created something special. And then Jay-Z used the powers of Baphomet to trick Beyonce into marrying him. Bam!

  Admittedly, it’s kind of farfetched, but if we couldn’t get at least a dozen people to believe it just because it’s written on the internet, I’ll eat my hat.

  Chapter 5: Which Brings Us to Jack the Ripper

  Anyone who tells you they know who Jack the Ripper really was is wildly arrogant and sadly uninformed.

  Here’s the truth, folks: Nobody knows and nobody ever will.

  I spent an entire year researching the Jack the Ripper crimes for my book WHITECHAPEL: THE FINAL STAND OF SHERLOCK HOLMES. I built timelines, studied autopsy reports, worked with the FBI Behavioral Sciences Unit, and read newspaper accounts until my eyes started to go numb.

  One of the worst mistakes any criminal investigator can make is developing a theory first, then structuring their investigation to support that theory.

  Imagine if one of your neighbors was found murdered, and the detective who showed up took one look at the crime scene and said, “I bet that guy who lives next door did it.”

  The detective then based every single investigative decision around proving it was you who killed the person. At the end of the day, you’d be arrested, and the case would be based on a series of shaky assumptions.

  That is exactly what happens with Jack the Ripper nowadays. Not just with the Freemasons, either. Any random name that pops up from history is given the once-over by amateur Ripperologists who doggedly seek to pin the crimes on him.

  And for the record, amateur Ripperologists aren’t just pimply youths in their mother’s basements logging onto Casebook.org. In 2002, best-selling novelists Patricia Cornwell got it into her head that world famous painter Walter Sickert must have been the culprit.

  She published a book titled PORTRAIT OF A KILLER: JACK THE RIPPER – CASE CLOSED in which she systematically accused Sickert of all those horrible crimes. What was her evidence, you ask?

  Well…mainly, he painted things that appeared to be scary and unkind to women.

  Wait, you mean that’s not enough to convince you?

  She conducted DNA testing on stamps licked by the painter and had handwriting analysis done on the alleged Ripper letters and destroyed a valuable painting all in the effort to prove her initial thought. And what did it gain her?

  People like me laughing at her.

  Jack the Ripper, case closed. Indeed.

  The list of Ripper suspects is endlessly amusing, and it includes people like Lewis Carrol (author of Alice in Wonderland), Prince Albert, and Jill the Ripper. Among the top of the list, however, are the more serious suspects and who among us has not heard of poor Sir William Gull?

  Gull is the perfect Jack the Ripper suspect. Made to order. You couldn’t ask for juicier subject matter. First, Gull was the royal physician to Queen Victoria. Second, he was a Freemason.

  Guilty.

  Reams and reams of volumes of books, films, articles, and internet sites have been devoted to proving William Gull was Jack the Ripper. By association, this also drags in the Royal Family and the entire Masonic Order into the equation. Pretty good bargain for conspiracy theorists, I must say.

  Except for one tiny detail. In 1887 Gull began to experience a series of strokes brought on by a cerebral hemorrhage. These events left him partially paralyzed and the strokes continued until he passed away in 1890. He was seventy-three years old.

  Pishaw! Why let the facts get in the way of a good story? People find all sorts of ways to get around that information, and often tie it into the crimes themselves. They say that William Gull committed the Jack the Ripper crimes precisely because he was sick. As if some kind of brain fever spurred Gull on to unleash his fury upon the whores of Whitechapel.

  I’d ask them to find me one example in human history of a septuagenarian who went on a killing spree after suffering a debilitating stroke and partial paralysis. If that’s the case, I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on these old fogies before they kill again.

  The real culprit in all of this silliness is a man named Stephen Knight.

  Knight was a British…author…(pains me to say it)…who wrote a book called Jack the Ripper: The Final Solution in 1976. He interviewed a man named Joseph Gorman (who was claiming to be named Joseph Sickert. Yes, the illegitimate son of that same Walter Sickert that Patricia Cornwell went after.) who laid out a wild story of murder, conspiracy and Masonic involvement to cover up the bad deeds of the Royal Family.

  This book went through twenty editions and is still a cornerstone of Ripperologist and conspiracy theorist thought.

  And it was all a hoax. Gorman told The Sunday Times of London “It was a hoax; I made it all up…a whopping fib.”

  Of course, that didn’t stop old Stephen Knight from keeping the book going, and it didn’t stop people from gobbling up the lies and regurgitating them as if they were fact. This practice continues to this day, and frankly, it sickens me.

  There are multiple “links” between the manner in which the Ripper victims were dispatched and displayed as well as geographical links to the locations of the crimes and Masonic tradition. For example, Catherine Eddowes, the fourth Ripper victim, was killed at Mitre Square.

  Both the mitre and square are stonemason’s tools, and appear in Masonic traditions along with multiple others. But, according to Stephen Knight, this is the smoking gun that positively cements Masonic involvement in the Ripper crimes.

  The Mitre and Square are traditional symbols of Freemasonry.

  The fourth Ripper victim was killed at Mitre Square.

  Eureka!

  It sounds silly to me even as I write it, and yet, there are people who swear by this line of thought.

  ***

  Masonic Method of Death

  Often, the method in which the victims of Jack the Ripper were killed and displayed is linked to Freemasonry. Here is the evidence:

  - All of the victims had their throats cut.

  - Annie Chapman’s intestines were displayed over her right shoulder.

  - Graffiti in a stairwell near Elizabeth Stride’s body read “The Juwes Are the men that will not be blamed for nothing.” Juwes is a Masonic reference.

  - Police Commissioner Sir Charles Warren immediately ordered the graffiti removed.

  And finally, the most damning evidence of all:

  The murder victims were all found in an upside down pentagram shape. There is also the same upside down pentagram shape formed by streets in Washington DC. See? You see? It’s all coming together now, isn’t it. You’re nodding your head. You are starting to see through the lies and deceit of the Freemasons with their secret devil goat worship and Ripper killing Royal Family cover-ups.

  ***

  I’m No Sherlock Holmes…

  But I’m about as close as you’re going to get when it comes to this subject matter. I’m not only an experienced criminal investigator, but I’ve studied the Ripper crimes extensively for my first book. I know what I’m talking about when it comes to this.

  So here’s the facts:

  Yes, all of the Ripper victims had their throats cut. It was the most convenient way for the killer to dispatch his targets and keep them from screaming. London’s East End was a busy district all times of day and night, and the killer needed time to perform his delusional rituals.

  Annie Chapman’s organ
s were displayed in a specific manner, but so were the rest of the victims in an increasingly elaborate fashion. All of that is consistent with a serial killer personality who is evolving in his dementia. The true reasons why Jack the Ripper chose to display his victims in that particular manner were known only to him. The same way that only Green River and BTK and Jeffrey Dahmer only know the real reasons they wanted to do what they did.

  Graffiti on the stairwell was found near the second of two victims to fall in a single night. On September 30th 1888, Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes were both killed. Stride’s throat was cut, but the killer was believed to be interrupted by a man named Louis Diemschutz as he returned home from work.

  Approximately forty-five minutes later, Catherine Eddowes body was found in nearby Mitre Square. The fact that she was mutilated and murdered in a dark, unoccupied construction area, perfect for such business, is overlooked simply to point out the place was named MITRE SQUARE.

  During the search for the killer, a police officer found a bloodstained apron in a stairwell on Goulston Street inside a tenement building. The bloodstained apron turned out to be a highly significant piece of evidence because it was directly matched to the one Eddowes was wearing when she was killed.

  In all likelihood, the killer was fleeing the area as police flooded in and he ditched the apron in the stairwell in his attempt to get away and divest himself of evidence linking him to the crime.

  So, why then wouldn’t he take the time to write a little message?

  Above the dirty apron on the wall (In the stairwell. In the tenement building. Yes, Virginia, they had graffiti in tenement buildings back then too.) was the infamous message: “The Juwes Are the men that will not be blamed for nothing.”

  And here’s the kicker. Nobody in Freemasonry knows what the heck a “Juwe” is. It isn’t part of any ritual. Never has been. Never will be.

  The Police Commissioner at the time ordered the evidence destroyed because he was likely worried about people associating “Juwes” with the Jewish immigrants living nearby and causing a race war.

  ***

  Here’s the last word on Jack the Ripper. The Final Analysis. Something final and definitive since hoaxers love to punctuate their foolish opinions with some sort of title that leaves no room for doubt.

  Jack the Ripper: The Go Away and Stop Bothering Me with Your Silly Theories Analysis

  The only chance anyone ever had to catch Jack the Ripper came and went over one hundred years ago. Essential evidence was not obtained. The end. Everybody else is looking to get on television.

  Chapter 6: Somewhere, a Whole Lot of Villages Are Missing Their Idiots

  To try and describe and debunk all of the cockamamie paranoid delusions about Freemasonry would take more time and patience than I possess. Basically, if you’re inclined to believe silliness, who am I to stop you?

  That won’t prevent me from listing some of the more bizarre anti-Masonic beliefs out there. Who knows, I might even be inclined to poke a little fun at you.

  ***

  What, Me Catholic?

  I’ve got bad news for you Catholics who would consider exploring Freemasonry. It will condemn you to Hell. Forever.

  In 1983 the Pope himself forced a “Declaration on Masonic Associations” that not only condemned Freemasonry, but said any Catholics who join it are in grave sin and cannot partake in Holy Communion.

  It is also asserted that “Masonic writings” deny God has revealed himself or ever established a church.

  Now, as I’ve already told you, very little about Freemasonry is written down. If by “Masonic writings” they are referring to any writing done about Freemasonry or by a Freemason, then God knows what else Freemasonry stands for.

  Pretty interesting that a fraternity with no central leadership linking all of the assorted Grand Lodges and no written doctrine managed to all come to such an important agreement.

  ***

  The Judeo-Masonic Conspiracy

  This one is simply astounding, not so much for the content of what it says, but for the reach that it had.

  In 1903, a document titled The Protocols of the Elders of Zion was published in Russia. This pamphlet described a Jewish plot to take over the world and explained how they had infiltrated Freemasonry to accomplish this task. The Protocols quickly went viral, reaching multiple countries in multiple languages, spreading across the globe like pictures of Lindsey Lohan’s nether regions.

  Henry Ford had 500,000 copies printed and distributed throughout the United States, and Adolf Hitler ordered it taught to school children in Nazi classrooms. Most amazingly, it had already been debunked as a fraud.

  The authors (eeek…okay, here I go having to use that term again) of the Protocols essentially stole large portions from a fictional work by Maurice Joly called Dialogue in Hell Between Machiavelli and Montesquieu.

  As early as 1921 The Times of London was exposing the document as a forgery and a fraud, but people promptly ignored the facts and kept right on printing it.

  Staggeringly, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion is credited with helping to form Adolph Hitler’s thoughts on Jews and his eventual decision to engage in genocide.

  ***

  New World Order

  Essentially, NWO theorists believe that a secret group of powerful people are conspiring to rule the world through one government.

  They believe, in no particular order as follows: The Antichrist will be in charge, as written in the Book of Revelations; the Freemasons and/or the Illuminati are secretly working to bring this all about; the NWO is the manifestation of the original plot first revealed in The Protocols of the Elders of Zion; it’s all the work of aliens who are secretly replacing government officials with Reptile People.

  Now, as bizarre as that sounds, it’s all bonafide doctrine from New World Order theorists. My personal favorite is the Reptile People one. They’re also called Reptilians, Reptoids, Reptiloids, and Draconians.

  There is no way in the world you could possibly convince me that this is anything more than the fevered dream of overexcited paranoid schizophrenics…unless you stuck me in a room with Rick Santorum and Nancy Pelosi. Fifteen minutes in and I’d probably be right there with you.

  ***

  Part of the problem is that people have blurred the lines between fiction and reality, and with the internet, speculation is often presented as fact. And, well…like I said, there’s a lot of dummies out there who jump at the first thing they read.

  Any cursory glance at “Freemason Conspiracy” on Google will reveal a wide array of statements made about “Masonic facts.” Worshipping Satan is one that seems to pop up quite a bit.

  As we previously discussed, the Knights Templar were declared to be heretics as early as the 1300’s, because it was a simple way to discredit them, outlaw them, and steal their money.

  Not much has changed.

  Any rational person would look at the long, sordid history of misinformation and outright lies that surround all of these conspiracy theories and realize that it’s a house of cards. Of course, the contributing factor to that outcome is “rational” people.

  Chapter 7: But Wait, It Gets Better

  Those devilish Freemasons. It isn’t bad enough they scribbled graffiti all over our currency and Seal and hid their messages in our most important documents. They even went so far as to build the city of Washington DC in occult patterns.

  There is an upside down pentagram formed by intersecting streets in DC. At the bottom of this unholy symbol is the White House.

  Did all the blood just drain out of your face? Did you feel the chill running up and down your spine?

  You should have, because from the bottom of this Satanic symbol is a SECOND Masonic malarkey. The Square and Compass go from the White House to the Capital Building, and then back down to the Jefferson Memorial.

  Cue Organ Music: Duh duh duh duhhhhh.

  Case closed. Freemasons in the White House. Antichrist taking over. New Worl
d Order. That’s it.

  …Except for one teeny tiny detail.

  The streets don’t actually form a pentagram. The actual streets that are said to form the pentagram (Rhode Island Ave., Vermont Ave., Massachusetts Ave., Connecticut Ave., and K Street) do not all connect. The maps used by conspirators to terrify the simple-minded overlook the way the streets of the city are actually shaped.

  And even if there IS a pentagram on the streets (which there isn’t), it would not make it necessarily evil or even Masonic. According to an article by National Geographic in 2009, “The pentagram, for example, is much older than Freemasonry and acquired its occult overtones only in the 19th and 20th centuries, hundreds of years after the Masons had adopted the symbol.”

  ***

  There are four obelisks in major Western cities across the world. London, Paris, New York City, and Washington DC. And all of them are evil. Just ask your local nutcase.

  Here goes the logic:

  Obelisks originated in ancient Egypt.

  They were dedicated to Osiris, an Egyptian deity.

  “Some” Masons think (I love that caveat. There’s a Masonic lodge in how many thousands of cities and counties and villages all across the world, all filled with Masons, and SOME of them believe in one particular thing. Perfect!) that Osiris was later reborn as Hiram Abiff.

  Hiram Abiff is a very important figure in Masonic lore.

  Therefor all of these obelisks are indicative of the world’s pending enslavement to the Freemasons.

  ***

  I notice that I keep petering out at the final reveal for those. There’s this big build up and I kind of softball it at the end. I can’t help it really. By the time I’ve gotten that far, I just can’t bring myself to tie it all together as nicely as the wackadoos do.

  Listen, I’m sure if you go on any of the many websites claiming to tell you the real truth about Freemasonry you’ll get a better idea of how all this stuff means the world is ending and the reptilian people are taking over.