Regarding Freemasonry (Super Conspiracy Edition. Expanded!) Read online

In 1306 King Philip went to Pope Clement V and arranged to have the Templars outlawed and branded heretics. This left all of the Templars vast resources to be divvied up between the Church and State, because after all, why should a group of Satan worshippers be allowed to live, let alone have any money?

  Pretty convenient, eh?

  The Templar’s Grand Master Jacques de Molay was arrested and tortured, until he gave a forced "confession" against the Order, and the witch hunt began. From May Tenth to May Twelfth, 1310, fifty four Templar Knights were burned at the stake.

  On March Eighteenth, 1314, Jacques de Molay and another high-ranking Knight were the final imprisoned Templars to be executed via burning. According to legend, just prior to being burned, De Molay recanted his confession and declared the innocence of his brothers. He laid a curse upon the King and his all his descendants. He then ordered that both King Philip and Pope Clement V appear before God to answer for their crimes before the year was out.

  Oddly enough, both the King and Pope were dead before the end of 1314. Stranger still, King Philip’s House of Capet, which had ruled strong for 300 years, collapsed shortly thereafter.

  ***

  Interestingly enough, the Freemasons youth chapter is called the Order of Demolay. Bill Clinton was a member, although he never pursued becoming a Freemason as an adult. This is often the source of confusion with Clinton being associated with the fraternity. Actually, he’s a member of the Illuminati and a reptilian replacement from aliens seeking to overthrow the planet.

  ***

  Oh, you think that’s funny?

  Just wait until we get into the discussion about conspiracy theories.

  ***

  No one truly knows how many Templar Knights escaped persecution. What is certain is that they needed a way to escape the long-reaching arm of the church and state and flee as quickly and quietly as possible. In my opinion, there would have been no better way than by infiltrating and posing as Operative Masons.

  ***

  By the mid-1700's, Speculative Freemasonry began incorporating the symbols and traditions of the Knights Templar. Whether this is by the design of self-aggrandizing members of the fraternity who wanted to pose as mystical descendants from a famous secret society, or it is by the merging of the two entities, none can say.

  Mysteries abound about the history of Freemasonry as a whole, even from the members within it. However, the history of individual lodges, and the members that belonged to it, is expertly documented. My lodge has photographs of every Worshipful Master who has sat in the East since we were first chartered. Various ledgers of the Blue Lodge and the different bodies contain records, seals, and documentation about every individual member.

  Someday, my descendants will be able to research my activity in the Lodge and see things written in my own hand. It is the chance to be a part of something that will remain.

  ***

  For the record, I am also a Royal Arch Mason and a Knight Templar. I am a York Rite Mason, and have not considered the Scottish Rite as of yet. The Scottish Rite have a rarely given (or at least, more rarely given than all the other degrees) 33rd Degree that is supposed to be reserved for special members.

  Of course, this has led to an entire new branch of conspiracy theorists who claim that while the rest of Freemasonry might just be a bunch of old guys sitting around wearing aprons, its these sinister 33rd Degrees who are really up to no good.

  I have no idea, but if I were to eventually pursue the Scottish Rite with the goal in mind of reaching the 33rd Degree then…then you will all quake in fear at the mention of my very name and bow to my iron will…bwah ha ha…bwah hahahahahahahahahaha.

  But in all likelihood, it’s just more spaghetti dinners to organize.

  Sigh. This ruling the world by being a part of an all-powerful multi-national conspiracy that secretly controls the planet is a bummer sometimes.

  Chapter 2: Proof of a Conspiracy! Or, Something Close to It

  Let’s talk money, baby. Dollars and cents. Euros. Paper bills etched with secret codes and meanings familiar only to the Masonic eye that only a few bold outsiders were wise enough to unravel.

  We’ll start with the American dollar bill.

  ***

  The All-Seeing Eye

  The pyramid with an eye positioned on top of it is one of the most familiar symbols of Freemasonry as it is associated with its pervasive influence over the United States. “Ah ha!” they say. “There it is, evidence of a conspiracy.”

  Except it actually isn’t.

  Americans can find the eye on top of the pyramid on our one-dollar bills as well as the reverse side of the United States Seal, but it appears in various other mediums, including Renaissance art and Egyptian mythology. It gets labeled as everything from the “Eye of God” to the “Evil Eye.”

  The reverse side of the United States Seal bears the words Annuit Cœptis on either side of the eye, which translates as: "He approves our undertakings." The script along the bottom of the pyramid reading Novus Ordo Seclorum means: “New Order of the Ages.”

  Incidentally, as I’m sure you’re wondering, “New Order of the Ages” is not a cute way of saying “New World Order.” It’s a quote from Virgil’s poem “Eclogue IV.”

  The pyramid is composed of thirteen steps, which represent the thirteen original states, with the base level bearing Roman Numerals for 1776.

  It is, for all intents and purposes, an artistic interpretation of the then-fledgling nation to grow and prosper with the hope that God was looking down over them.

  Until you see the upside down pentagram it clearly is meant to depict.

  ***

  The Upside Down Goathead Pentagram of EVIL

  Follow me on this one. If you take the first letter of “Anno” and the last letter of “Coeptis” as it appears on the US Seal, then connect the first letter of “Novus,” the last letter of “Ordo,” and the last letter of “Seclorum,” and you’ve got an upside down pentagram.

  Even more sinister, those letters spell out the word M-A-S-O-N.

  Well…not exactly. If you go left to right, they actually spell A-S-N-O-M. They also spell out: AMSON, MANSO, SAMON, NOMSA, etc.

  But still this damning evidence is irrefutable by everyone on the planet, excepting those with more than a half-dozen synapses firing in their brain at any given time.

  ***

  Eagles and Owls on Our Dollars, Oh My!

  Talk about jumping on the bandwagon. The Grand Lodge of Texas Freemasons published an article in 1955 that claimed the eagle on the dollar bill had clear significance to Masonic Lore. They said that since the Eagle’s wings had thirty-two feathers on one side, thirty-three on the other side and nine tail feathers, it was clear that they meant the 32 Degrees of Scottish Rite Freemasonry, the ever secretive 33rd Degree of Scottish Rite, and 9 Degrees for all of the ones found in the York Rite.

  We’re going to get into the various degrees later on, but follow me on this one. The nine degrees in York Rite Masonry are completely different and exist within absolutely separate bodies. Nothing like the lazy Scottish Rite Masons who go for a weekend and come back with thirty-two Degrees in their cap.

  Yes, I’m taking a playful shot at my Scottish Rite Masonic brothers, because in York Rite you actually have to participate in all of the degrees your receive, one at a time.

  Sissies.

  Just kidding.

  Doesn’t make it any less true though.

  ***

  But anyway, thanks a bunch 1955 Texas Grand Lodge for heaping more speculative logs on the fire. They even went further to say that all the feathers put together totaled sixty-five, which is CLEARLY meant to signify a Hebrew phrase (“Yam Yawchod”) which is CLEARLY a reference to the First Degree.

  I think I’d like to speak for everyone present when I say: Seriously, guys, WTF?

  ***

  The owl that can only be seen if you know to look for it appears in the upper right hand corner of the 1’s that appear surroun
ding George Washington on the dollar bill.

  Does the owl have any special significance to Freemasonry?

  Nope.

  But apparently the owl’s status as an object of the occult (You know, Merlin had an owl, Harry Potter had an owl…we’re talking about witchcraft folks. Evil, dark, sinister witchcraft. Hide your kids, hide your wife, etc etc) it somehow gets lumped in as further evidence of the Mason’s involvement with the secret underpinnings of the American government.

  ***

  In actuality, the all-seeing eye was designed by a non-mason named Pierre Du Simitiere. The only actual Freemason on the original committee that designed the United States seal was Benjamin Franklin. Franklin’s proposal did not have an eye on it, and the others rejected it.

  ***

  If you examine things at face value, the essential logic goes like this:

  There are secret Masonic symbols etched into the dollar bill for the United States of America.

  Therefor the Masons secretly run the World Bank.

  The World Bank is obviously controlled by the people looking to instill a New World Order.

  The Masons are going to kill everyone on the planet.

  I can’t even freaking make sense of it and I’m sitting here looking at all of their mixed up gibberish claiming to be evidence of the whole thing. It’s just silly.

  Unlike the damn Europeans. We Americans are just misunderstood but those bastards across the pond are REALLY up to no good.

  ***

  In 2002 twelve European countries agreed to operate under one unified currency called the Euro.

  (Cue Organ Chords) Duh Duh Duh Duhhhhhhhh.

  And because now the European countries involved (called the Eurozone. Sounds like a fun place to me. Some kind of club where all the guys are in black turtlenecks smoking long, thin cigarettes and the women are sexy, exotic types.) are moving toward the elimination of hard currency to replace it with devious things like debit cards.

  And we know how that one goes.

  No more hard currency?

  Chips in the brains of our children by the government and Antichrist taking over.

  Bam. One, two, three, you’re pinned, Free World.

  Good thing SOME people were paying attention.

  ***

  All right, show of hands. How many of you stopped reading this chapter to go look at a dollar bill in your wallet?

  Know how I knew that?

  Evil Masonic Kindle Book Telepathic Mind Control Conspiracy, suckers. Take that.

  Chapter 3: An Incomplete but Still Thoroughly Engaging List of People Who Were Freemasons

  Given that Freemasonry has existed for such a long period of time, it stands to reason that there have been a large multitude of members that have travelled through its ranks. While it is not the worldwide historical conspiracy that some people insist, it is still mind-boggling at the sheer number of influential people who belonged to the fraternity.

  This is not a complete list of notable masons, just the ones I thought notable or interesting enough to write down. Plenty of very important historical people were also Freemasons who I have left out, but I still included Bronson Pinchot. Why? Because I found out he was and said, “Seriously? Balki?”

  Historical figures:

  Benedict Arnold, Simon Bolivar, Daniel Boone, James Bowie, Winston Churchill, William “Buffalo Bill” Cody, Samuel Colt, Charles “The Count of Auschwitz” Coward, Davy Crockett, Benjamin Franklin, John Glenn, John Hancock, Patrick Henry, J. Edgar Hoover, Sam Houston, Andrew Jackson, Marquis de Lafayette, Dr. Charles Mayo, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Paul Revere, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Harry Truman, George Washington

  It’s really no surprise that so many influential members of the American Revolution were also Freemasons. The birth of the United States is steeped in Masonic tradition, all of which has been well-documented both for historical purposes and crude sensationalism. There are large numbers of important figures from both the Revolutionary War and the Civil War that I did not include, but are still worth researching.

  ***

  Modern Era Politicians:

  Gerald Ford, Robert Dole, Rev. Jesse Jackson

  I can’t really say why Gerald Ford and Bob Dole don’t impress me but Jesse Jackson does. I think it’s because it’s just a bizarre person to associate with Freemasonry. I mean, Ford and Dole are both crusty old white guys, and I’m pretty sure every single crusty old white guy in politics is suspected of being one as well. But Jesse Jackson? Didn’t see that one coming.

  ***

  Sports Figures:

  Ty Cobb, Jack Dempsey, Rogers Hornsby, Shaquille O’Neal, Sugar Ray Robinson, Cy Young

  Okay, now take a quick look at that group and tell me which one you didn’t expect to see. Chances are, if you’re my age, you first became familiar with Shaq as one of the two-man team on NBA Jams in the arcades as a kid. “He’s heating up!” Indeed. On another note, I’m always kind of embarrassed to see Ty Cobb’s name in there. Talk about not exhibiting Masonic principals. Cobb was a racist, a poor sportsman, a woman beater, and an all-around A-hole.

  ***

  Business Moguls:

  Bob Evans, Henry Ford, Richard Gatling, John Gates, Frederick Maytag, The Ringling Brothers, Col. Harland Sanders, Dave Thomas, John Wanamaker

  Some interesting names in there, but none more so than the Ringling Brothers. All seven of them. I’m pretty sure that’s enough people to start your own lodge. Although, you have to admit, spaghetti dinners would be pretty interesting if you had all of the Ringling Brothers hosting. I’d be expecting jugglers and fire-eaters to come popping out of the kitchen every time.

  ***

  Actors and Entertainers:

  Gene Autry, Johann Christian Bach, Mel Blanc, Ernest Borgnine, Samuel Clemons, Nat ‘King’ Cole, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Duke Ellington, Douglas Fairbanks, Clark Gable, Oliver Hardy, Harry Houdini, Rudyard Kipling, Audie Murphy, Bronson Pinchot, Richard Pryor, Michael Richards, Roy Rogers, Will Rogers, Telly Savalas, Peter Sellers, Red Skelton, John Wayne, Oscar Wilde

  I wonder if all those old timey Western actors were Masons before they went to Hollywood? If that’s the case, then I think we might have just uncovered an actual Masonic conspiracy. These are a group of men who infiltrated the movie industry and conspired to wear tall hats and pants with tassels. Impressive. But there it is: Bronson Pinchot. I’d make fun of Bronson Pinchot, but hey, at least he had the dignity to never perform at the Laugh Factory and go on a racist tirade. Isn’t that right, Michael Richards? Interestingly enough, after Richards embarrassed himself he turned to notable black leaders to apologize and seek guidance. Who was number one on his list? None other than fellow Mason, Jesse Jackson!

  Chapter 4: The Internet, or, Affirmations for Silly People

  Listen, I know this will come as a surprise to most of you, so I’m going to try and break the news as gently as possible.

  People are stupid.

  And nowhere on the entire planet Earth are people more willing to demonstrate exactly how stupid they are than on the internet. Sadly enough, great heaping hordes of other stupid people are willing to devour the drivel that appears online and take it as gospel.

  If you go on any number of websites, you will see the following people held up to be Freemasons or members of some other nefarious, world-dominating group. The justifications for these insinuations is so convoluted that you’d have to be a complete jello-head to give them any credence, and yet…well, there must be a good amount of jello-heads out there.

  Some are pretty obvious as to why people like to claim they are Freemasons, such as:

  Tony Blair, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Bill Clinton, L. Ron Hubbard, Barack Obama, Colin Powell, and Ronald Reagan

  Nearly any controversial or powerful modern political figure is associated with the Fraternity, normally as a way of justifying their popularity. Normally, the people asserting that so-and-so must be Freemason is on the other side of the politi
cal fight from the person their accusing. It’s basically a way of saying, “This complete moron could not possibly have risen to power unless they had the support of Illuminati behind him. I mean, the guy is hardly smart enough to tie his own shoes.”

  Some of the more amusing allegations of Freemasonry are leveled against modern celebrities, with my all-time favorites being

  Sean (Jay-Z) Carter and Kanye West

  The reasons for this are so completely crazy that it would take a whole book to psychoanalyze the paranoid, misinformed goofiness that goes into them. Essentially, it can be boiled down to a few things. Both men are rich, successful, and powerful in their respective fields.

  I’ve seen countless articles that claim to have proof of their connection to either Freemasonry or the Illuminati based on their jewelry, t-shirt designs, hand gestures and lyrics to their songs.

  It is like claiming certain rock groups are encouraging people to worship Satan by spinning their albums backwards. Complete silliness.

  Unless we are talking about Simon and Garfunkel. For some reason, when I hear their music, I want to run screaming through the city streets. They either have hidden messages in their music or I just really can’t stand them.

  Incidentally, do you remember the scene in Fight Club when Tyler Durdin asks who you would fight out of anyone in the world if you had a chance? Mine would be Simon and Garfunkel. I have the battle plan worked out in my head, where I go for Paul Simon first because he’s smaller and looks sneakier.

  You’re still with me on this one, right? I can’t be the only person having these thoughts.

  And finally, the two funniest names of people I found who are “accused” of being Freemasons on the internet are:

  Leonardo da Vinci and Williams Shakespeare

  I’m not even sure what to really say to that. Poor Leo sure does get dragged through the mud a lot these days. Whether people are claiming he painted himself as a woman in the Mona Lisa or he somehow stole all of his ideas from aliens who abducted him, it’s somehow fashionable to discredit the man.

  As for Billy the Bard, your guess is as good as mine. I would think that in between rewriting the King James Bible and stealing all of those works of literature from Christopher Marlowe or his wife Anne Hathaway, he’d have been too busy to be a Freemason.